tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC June 19, 2014 12:36am-1:38am PDT
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ and now, here he is, seth meyers! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: good evening, everyone. good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everyone tonight? are we well? is everyone well? [ cheers and applause ] starting off, this really surprised me. yesterday, dick cheney said about president obama, "rarely has a u.s. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many." when asked about george w. bush, cheney said, "oh, don't be silly." [ laughter ] he wasn't the president. [ laughter ] during a book tour,
hillary clinton was asked if she would try marijuana if it were legal and answered, "i didn't do it when i was young. i'm not going to start now." then, bill clinton said, "i wish i had a nickel for every time i heard that." [ laughter ] some international news. today, the president of ukraine issued a cease-fire after having a phone call with vladimir putin. even more embarrassing for the president of ukraine -- when he hung up, he accidentally said, "okay, love you, bye." [ laughter ] "i think i just said 'i love you' to vladimir putin." meanwhile, on the other end, vladimir putin was like, "i just have heard something i've never heard." [ laughter ] someone has touched vladimir. [ laughter ] [ with russian accent ] vladimir, why are you crying? i have been told something i've never been heard before. i also am crying because i don't think this is a very good
russian accent. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i find a good way to make vladimir putin less scary in my brain is to make him sound like the count. [ laughter ] more international news. over the weekend, afghanistan held its presidential election runoff. the way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever's slowest has to be president of afghanistan. hey, i heard they're looking for a president. i think this is a good idea. a bill has been introduced to the new york state assembly that would reduce the speed limit in new york city to 25 miles per hour, while cab drivers are just being asked to keep all four wheels on the ground. [ laughter ] seems more than fair. kind of surprised to hear this, according to a new report, yeah-hoo --
yeah-hoo? [ laughter ] oh, i'm sorry. i'm -- i'm a yahoo -- kind of surprised to hear this. according to a new report, yahoo! has more diversity in its staff than google. meanwhile bing is still just the one guy. [ laughter ] [ imitating phone ring ] "hey, this is bing. yeah, i can look up a hotel for you. give me your number, and i'll call you back in a day." this is interesting. today, a new messaging app, only capable -- a messaging app only capable of sending and receiving the word "yo," raised $1 million from investors. and it's too bad they couldn't see the whole message, which was, "yo, this is a bad investment." [ laughter ] this is interesting. new research shows grocery trips for three items or less are more
popular now than they've ever been. i mean most people are just buying condoms. but then, they throw in some toothpaste and an avocado to make it look good. [ laughter ] oh, no, cashier. i'm a man of many tastes. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i may do one of these activities this evening or all three. i couldn't believe this. an apartment complex in hawaii is testing the dna of dog feces and charging owners who don't pick up after their pets. it's being called the worst "csi" spinoff ever. [ laughter ] looks like that doggy doo -- is a doggy don't. [ laughter and applause ] and finally -- finally, some tech news. according to new reports, google chrome has surpassed internet explorer as the most popular web browser, while the least popular web browser is
still that weird guy at the library looking at porn. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, this is the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: how we doing, 8g band? everybody well over there? great. i don't know if people have been watching the tv show "fargo." has anyone here watched the tv show "fargo"? season finale of "fargo" was last night. and i get it, no spoilers. it was great. it's been a great year of television. i'm very excited about that because i'm hosting the emmys this year, august 25th. and -- thank you. [ cheers and applause ] and on the show, you know, you have to be so careful about, like, not spoiling anything. you know, we have guests from shows like "mad men" or "game of
thrones" or any of those like spoil-y shows. i can tell people are always worried we might spoil something. but i need to tell everybody this, which is when i host the emmys, that's august 25th, everybody has to watch all the shows by then. because i might say something during the show that might be a spoiler, but this is about -- we're still going to celebrate tv. i might have to say something. you've got to watch all the shows by then. [ laughter ] and if you're not going to watch the emmys, you don't have to tell me that. that hurts my feelings. [ laughter ] just keep that to yourself. that's not -- i don't get anything from that. so august 25th, that's the day to watch all the shows on tv. and then if something gets spoiled, you had your time. i'm sorry. i gave you -- i gave you fair warning. and, i know not everyone's watching this show right now, so i need everyone who's watching to tell ten of your friends. [ laughter ] and tell them to ten of their friends, and then hopefully by august 25th, everyone will have seen the last episode of "fargo." we have got such a great show for you tonight. one of my heroes, mike myers, is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ]
so excited about that. also joining us, the subject of mike's new documentary "supermensch," shep gordon. very interesting guy. i'll be chatting with my friend, the very funny whitney cummings. [ cheers and applause ] and we'll have music from tove lo. [ cheers and applause ] so, obviously everyone here knows everybody at the show gets to work at 30 rock. it's an amazing building in the center of new york city. it's got a ton of history. and because of its history, quite a few tourists visit this place. and sometimes i'll get recognized by people when i'm coming into the office. and most of my interactions with people are great. very few times -- very few times, they're less than great. this morning, in the concourse, i ran into a guy and let's just say -- he had a lot of questions. take a look. ♪
>> what? no way! seth meyers? >> seth: oh, hey. how are you? >> ha ha ha. the seth meyers? my lucky day. i'm jeremy. >> seth: oh, nice to meet you, jeremy. >> oh, yeah. >> seth: yeah. >> i have some questions for you. >> seth: okay. ♪ >> how'd you come up with the name "late night"? >> seth: i didn't come up with it. david letterman came up with it. >> ohh, "late night." got it. yeah, so, how many writers do you have? >> seth: 12. >> whoa, wowzers. that's more than i have fingers, but less that i have toes. do you need anymore? >> seth: no. >> oh, my cousin wayne is high-larious. you should hire him. he's the one who came up with high-larious. ahh, can you call him on the phone? aww, my phone's dead. can we use your phone? >> seth: i better -- >> what time do you get into work? >> seth: around now. >> ah, makes sense, makes sense. you know, i own a cotton candy machine. big investment up front, but in the long run, it saves me so much money. where do human babies come from?
i know where the others come from. >> seth: you know, i can see the top from here. >> ahh, rock, paper, scissors, shoot! paper beats nothing! i win! to the victor goes the spoils! mm-hmm-hmm. speaking of spoiled -- >> seth: don't keep eating it. >> you ever try my mom's meatloaf? hey, why aren't sharpies sharp? when's shark week? verb? >> seth: run. >> noun? >> seth: escalator. >> adverb! >> slowly. [ speaking slowly ] >> adverb. i'm going to put farts. >> this is shaping up to be a classic. do you have to go to the bathroom? >> seth: no. >> wow, not ever? just kidding. come on, man. >> seth: i can't believe we're still on this thing. ♪
>> do you know any good places to get lunch around here? >> seth: sorry, i don't. >> well, there's del frisco's. there's city lobster. chipotle if you want something cheap. but i had mexican for dinner last night, so del frisco's? >>: i'm sorry, are you inviting me to lunch? >> are you inviting me to lunch? >> seth: no. thank god. that took forever. >> i don't know. it seemed like a pretty short escalator ride to me. >> seth: well, look, nice talking to you, man. >> uh, what? come on. >> seth: no. >> mm, you smell just like i thought you would. >> seth: okay. so, umm, i've got to run. i'm like 30 minutes late for work. >> okay. take it easy, seth man! eh, i don't think that was really him. >> seth: can you hold the elevator? >> my lucky day. >> seth: how'd you beat me up here? >> fun fact. i have severe claustrophobia. oh the door's closed! oh, my god! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so, that was my morning. anyway, we have a great show tonight. >> hey, seth, we never finished that mad lib.
>> seth: how did you get up here? >> ha-ha. ahh, when i looked at my escalator and i farts the farted. >> seth: we'll be right back with mike myers! >> i said, "will you be my fart?" [ cheers and applause ] it's farts all the way. i fart to see you. but, there was no seth meyers in my fart. ♪ [ male announcer ] this one goes out to all the congestion sufferers who feel like there's a brick on their face. who are so congested, it feels like the walls are closing in. ♪ who are so stuffed up, they feel like they're under water. try zyrtec-d® to powerfully clear your blocked nose and relieve your other allergy symptoms... so you can breathe easier all day. zyrtec-d®. find it at the pharmacy counter.
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>> seth: welcome back to late night," everyone. our first guest is a legendary comedian who has starred in films like "austin powers," "wayne's world" and "shrek." he's making his directorial debut with the documentary "supermensch: the legend of shep gordon." ladies and gentlemen, mike myers. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome, welcome. >> thank you. >> seth: so exciting for me to have you here. >> it's very exciting to be here. >> seth: the world cup is happening right now. we met in 2002 in a pub -- >> drunk. >> seth: drunk in a pub -- >> in l.a. >> seth: in l.a. at like 3:00 in the morning, watching a brazil-england game because it was the world cup that took place in asia. so it was a crazy hour. and i remember you came up and said hello to me. i was so happy. >> well, i thought i was the only english fan --
you know, because my parents are from liverpool, england, and so that's my team. i had no choice. you get issued that as a child. and i was like, "i want to go see england play," you know. and i want atmosphere. i want to see it with other english fans. and then i'm like, "wait a second, seth meyers? are we related?" [ laughter ] i thought, "is this my cousin seth?" >> seth: it was a great night. and then, have you been supporting england? >> oh, yeah, yeah. i'm also supporting united states, too, because i became a citizen. so i'm very, very excited. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: and they played -- four years ago, they played each other. england and the u.s. >> yes, they did. and that's when i proposed to my wife. >> seth: during the game. >> during the game. i wanted to have a special moment, and she came with me to a pub. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> i'm in my very, very, very -- >> seth: it sounds like you had a special moment.
[ laughter ] where would she most want it to happen? >> well, she didn't know. i kept it a surprise, a secret, and all that stuff you're supposed to do. and i'm in my very, very, very late 30s, wearing form-fitting soccer gear, which is not awesome for me, really. [ laughter ] but i was such a fan. i wore everything. you know, the england shirt. the england shorts, even. but because i ordered them online, they ended up being really uncomfortable shorty shorts. [ laughter ] england socks. but i had a big box in my pocket that i was trying to hide. i even had the england flag. i wore the superman cape, you know. kelly was like, "you're kind of like a public person. you know? isn't this a little weird?" i said, "i know." and she goes, "boy, you're acting so weird." i'm waiting for the right moment, and then england scored. and i got on my knee and i said, "will you marry me?" she said yes. and i thought, "this is fantastic. it could be another sign." and then the united states scored. >> seth: perfect.
and ultimately, marriage is a draw at its best day. >> yes. ohh. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's really, like, the perfect outcome. [ applause ] >> and if i remember correctly, the goal dribbled in between the goalie's legs, so -- >> seth: another perfect -- [ laughter ] >> maybe. i just took a poop on a nice moment. i'm sorry. [ laughter ] >> seth: no, you're fine. that happens all the time. >> it does. >> seth: you mentioned your father's from liverpool. >> liverpool, yeah. i'm soccer mad. >> seth: a tough town, and you went to your first match in liverpool. >> yeah, i went with my cousins. >> seth: how was your first experience? not good, right? >> it was, well, fantastic to see liverpool play, of course. but in olden days, they didn't have seats. so behind the goal there's this place called "the cop" in liverpool. and it's just like this. it's like super, super steep. and the crowd moves. and so you're taken, and you're so -- i was like, "what? this doesn't happen at maple leaf gardens. what the hell's is going on?" and then all of a sudden, there's a guy behind me. there's a giant guy. it's hard to explain the cop.
it's kind of like the bleacher bombs in chicago meets britain's most wanted. and this guy had a magazine. i said, "who takes a magazine to a soccer game?" he rolls it up and he pees through it onto my back of my leg, and i can't move. [ audience ohs ] and this giant guy -- he was bald. he had parts of his eyebrows missing. it looked like he sharpened his teeth. [ laughter ] and he was eating a meat pie at the same time. like this. and i said, "dude." because i'm canadian. the best i could do was, "eh, buddy, what is that?" [ laughter ] you know, "what are you mental or something?" that's the best i could do. and he just looked down at me with bits of like pie flying and goes, "got a problem with that, mate? do you have a problem with that?" and i was like, "nope, perfectly fine." [ laughter ] "just tell me what magazine it is." >> seth: you have been in so many movies, so many films, and yet this is the first -- "supermensch" is your directorial debut. what made you choose shep gordon, this legendary
hollywood manager who's managed everyone from alice cooper to groucho marx -- >> luther vandross, anne murray, rick james. i met shep gordon on the set of "wayne's world" in 1991. and i'd never been in a film let alone written one. i'd never even been on, like, a movie set. you know what i mean? and all of a sudden, i have to meet a rock and roll manager. i was a punk rocker, you know, years before. and this guy comes in, bald but with gray hair in a ponytail, wearing a satin tour jacket. and i thought, "okay, i got to deal with this dude." >> seth: and this is because alice cooper was in the movie. >> alice cooper was in the movie. he's alice cooper's manager. and so there's, you know, something that needed to be fixed. and i just thought -- i just liked him. i just got such a tremendous vibe, and we kept in touch. and he lives in hawaii. i'd never been to hawaii. i wasn't allowed to go to hawaii, because my dad is from liverpool.
and there's a thing called liverpool alzheimer's, where you forget everything except the grudges. >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> and he was upset with hawaii. >> seth: your dad was upset with hawaii? >> yeah, because he would be like, "oh, they bloody murdered captain cook." [ laughter ] in 1780. >> seth: so on old grudge? >> i go, "what?" and then he'd say, "they bloody murdered him in his sleep. get that bloody pineapple out of the house." [ laughter ] i'd be like, "wow, dude, that's a grudge." that's fantastic. 1780. so i'd never been. i went and i was staying in a hotel. and "wayne's world" had come out. this was after "wayne's world." and things kind of exploded. somebody told me to have a fake name. so i had a fake name, which was pierre trudeau, you know. [ laughter ] all of a sudden he calls up to the room. and i'm going, "how did you get through?" and he goes, "it's hawaii." he goes -- he's from new york and he talks like this. he goes, "it's hawaii." goes, do you want to go to a luau with sylvester stallone and arnold schwarzenegger and whoopi -- and just the biggest names.
and so i did. and it was like going to madame tussauds with a roasted pig. [ laughter ] i had such a fantastic time. and the thing i loved about him, he's very comfortable with maybe the world's most famous people. and also very lovely to just people, like just everybody. and i just thought, this guy's fascinating. so i just started asking him stories. and for 20 years i've been asking him stories. and for 20 years i've been saying, please let me do a film about you. and then, three years ago, he said yes. now i had other things that i was going to do. and i've never really planned my career. i wouldn't know how to plan a career. i just make stuff. and i just thought, okay. that's my next movie. so i've been spending the last two and a half years doing that. and i had two children, so -- >> seth: that's great. [ cheers and applause ] that's great for you. we're going to come right back. when we come back, shep's going to join us. and we'll take a look at the movie. it's great, and i can't wait to talk to both of you at the same time. >> thanks so much. thank you. >> seth: we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ]
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♪ i drove into los angeles. there was a motel vacancy sign. there was a two-story motel around the swimming pool. i later found out it was a hollywood landmark hotel. and i checked into my room, take a little acid. which is sort of what we all did then. now here i am high as a kite loving the world. and i think i hear a girl being raped around the swimming pool. so i run downstairs to separate these two people, and the girl went crazy. punched me. because they were making love. they weren't fighting. i'd been in l.a. for 24 hours and been beat up twice. this was not going well. i came down in the morning. i could hear the same voice of the girl. i never saw her that night. she called me over and said are you the guy i hit last night? i said yeah. and she was janis joplin. she introduced me to the guy she
was sitting with which was jimi hendrix. jimi hendrix said are you jewish, and i said yeah. he said you should be a manager. i said great, no prob. who should i manage? alice cooper. >> seth: welcome back to "late night." we're joined now by mike meyers and shep gordon. welcome, shep, how are you? so mike was telling us he wanted to make this documentary for 15 years. you kept saying no. what changed your mind? what made you think you wanted to be the subject of a documentary? >> you know, i had one of those moments in life where you start -- as you get older you start to think maybe you're losing things. and i wasn't getting invited to celebrity golf tournaments. [ laughter ] so i called up mike and i said, "you know, i'm not getting invited to celebrity tournaments. do you think if i did the film i'd get invited?" he called his agent. his agent said absolutely covered. and i said, "well, maybe we'll do it." and mike started racing, i
guess. and i ended up in the hospital two weeks later. and he called me up in the hospital. he said, "it's great we're doing it tonight." i was really medicated and i said, "wow, that's fantastic. let's do this movie." i'm so humbled to be -- >> seth: it's great. it's such a fun movie. it's sweet. it's funny. i hear it's getting standing ovations at festivals, which is so exciting. >> amazing, amazing. >> seth: it's also great because there are a few moments -- i think one of my favorite moments in the film is, you hear mike's voice off camera because interviewing you. because you're talking -- the parties you go to are incredible. and the people that at your house are incredible. but you talk about meeting pablo picasso, and mike has to say it was impossible because pablo picasso was long dead at the date of that party. >> the film is called "the legend of shep gordon." >> seth: that's true. and there's a lot of photographic evidence that these things happen, but every now and then i like that you -- >> once in awhile psychedelics can blur your memory. >> seth: exactly. [ laughter ] >> for 20 years i got to know shep. i was staying at his house and i would just ask him stories that
were more fantastic than the next. and i start to do this thing where i would write a celebrity -- like ten celebrities on my hand. people would go home and i'd go, "okay, larry storch?" he'd go, "i met larry storch." [ laughter ] charlie chaplin. it would be like, "i had lunch with charlie chaplin" then it would just be this fantastic -- and i said, "you have to let me do this film." you know, this is a man who -- he invented the celebrity chef. >> seth: that's amazing, yeah. emeril gives you credit for it in the movie. >> he does, yeah. he's really, really nice. >> seth: you also, one of my favorite stories in the movie was one of my favorite scenes in another movie. in "almost famous" there's this scene where the plane almost crashes. and this was actually based on -- >> we had a -- this was early in rock and roll. there wasn't the kind of money there is now. but we chartered an airplane. it was a prop plane. and it wasn't the safest plane in the world. i used to go up front, and when we'd land they'd put oil in the hydraulics to get us to land. and we played poker every day on
the plane. one day alice says, "we're going to raise the stakes now." really, gonna raise the stakes? and look out the window, and the engine was on fire. [ light laughter ] and in those days, there were no real road crews. nobody constructed stuff. we constructed stuff. so we had a team of new york, italian, fire island wise guys is all i could call them. you know, these really weird things. and we had an accountant named -- we called him elton jew. he wore big glasses like elton john. >> seth: right, right. [ laughter ] >> and elton had just found out that his wife was pregnant. so now we think the plane's going down. there's sort of a hush. the stakes have been raised in poker. everybody is putting in everything they have. and latanza stands up in the back of the plane and he goes, "elton, i got to tell you -- before we go down, it's my baby." [ audience oohs ]
and with that, the plane lands. [ laughter ] >> seth: i would not want to be waiting for my bags next to elton jew. >> a camera and crew was on the plane doing a story for "rolling stone." >> seth: that's incredible. >> so he put it in his movie when he directed it. >> seth: one of the other great things about the movie -- and i sort of knew this from "wayne's world." this was the first time i realized alice cooper was a really sweet guy with a great sense of humor. he's one of your oldest friends. >> he is, 45 years. >> seth: he's the sweetest guy. >> sweetest. >> seth: you talk about how family means so much to both of you. but you sort of deserve credit for pushing him towards this sort of crazy stage presence that he has. >> i think we sort of did it together. >> seth: right. >> we worked on it together. and the original band was an important part of it. but it definitely -- our goal was to irritate every parent in america. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> and if we could irritate every parent in america, we knew we were getting those kids to like us. and we were very good at irritating parents.
>> seth: it's great. and i have to say -- and you could probably speak to this, mike, because there's so many famous people show up to talk about you and praise you on camera. was it hard to get people? >> well, i took his rolodex. you know, i literally took it, and i made phone calls. i said, "okay, this is going to be a nightmare." you know, because, i worked on "saturday night live," and it's hard to book people. but, literally, everybody was like, you know, "i have two questions. what do i wear, and when do i show up?" then people started to call in and say, "how come i didn't get invited?" and so he's literally the most loved human being in show business. and he is -- his stories are fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm not worthy. >> you are worthy. >> i'm not worthy. >> seth: well, it's lovely to have you here. i highly recommend it. the stories are outstanding. you're a talk show host's dream. thank you very much for being here. thank you both for being here. mike myers and shep gordon, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "supermensch: the legend of shep gordon" is out in select theaters now. we'll be right back with whitney cummings. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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her new stand-up special, "whitney cummings: i love you," airs saturday, june 28th on comedy central. please welcome whitney cummings. [ cheers and applause] ♪ >> wow! >> seth: you look beautiful. >> it's a little desperate. >> seth: it's lovely. >> it's a little needy, what i'm doing right now. but, you know, that's who i am. and i just want you to like me. >> seth: you're off to such a good start. i can really tell they're going for it. they're going for it! >> they're buying it! >> seth: they're buying it! >> i feel the likes on instagram all ready. >> seth: you and i know each other a little bit, but we share a best friend. >> this is weird. >> seth: yes. >> and i'm sorry -- >> seth: yeah. >> i'm sorry we have to do this on television. but your best friend is my best friend, which means he's not one of our best friends. >> seth: that's right. he's definitely mine. he's definitely yours.
>> but, he's not one of ours. >> so basically, neal brennan, very funny comedian, is seth's best friend. but he also is my best friend, and seth and i don't ever hang out. >> seth: yeah. >> i think he keeps us separate. >> seth: right. i think it's like people with two families. they definitely -- they don't bring them to the same picnic. >> totally. so one of us is the side kick. >> seth: yeah, and we got to figure out who's who. >> and i don't know which one it is. but i get very jealous because he talks about you quite a lot. you know, and he's like, "well, seth says." i'm like, "all right, why don't you go hang out with seth?" >> seth: yeah? >> i get very jealous. and he walks into my house. he's like, "all right, seth, i've got to go." how dare you talk to him in front of me in my own home? >> seth: here's the good news. this right here -- >> um-hm? >> seth: is driving him -- >> crazy! he's so jealous. >> seth: he's so jealous. you know you're jealous. >> neal, eat it! [ laughter ] but we never get to hang out. >> seth: i know. but now, it's funny because i have this when i talk to neal. i know you do. you probably have since so many comedian friends. >> yeah. >> seth: when you talk on the
phone to comedians -- it's an interesting thing where you don't know, in the end, like who wrote what. >> this is exactly right. so a friend of mine who's a comedian will be on the phone for 45 minutes -- you know, neal for example. -- talking about emotional things, asking for advice, asking for help. and by the end, it's like, "all right, i'll talk to you later." like, "all right, talk to you soon." hey, so are you going to do that tinder thing or is that mine? >> seth: right. >> you have to divvy up the conversation. >> seth: right, like which bits are good. >> who gets what. okay, that whole thing about your mother being an alcoholic, is that yours or mine? i'm like, i think that's mine. >> seth: i have the best joke about your mother being an alcoholic, though, so i feel like it should be mine. >> and we have to divvy it up. i feel like that's better for you. so that's love. i mean, for comedians to be able to give away their bits and figure it out -- >> seth: there's always -- sometimes, i will feel -- like when i'm talking to people, i'll say a funny thing right at the end. and then feel mad. where it's like all i've done is put the pupils on the mona lisa. like, i didn't paint it. it's like, "and there." so i feel like we both did it. we both did it. [ laughter ]
>> feel like we'll go halfsies on that one. maybe we should become a comedy duo so that we can both get these. but it is funny where -- comedians, it's like there's no off-the-record, intimate moment. it's always like, "i'm sorry that happened. so can i have that one?" [ laughter ] >> seth: the worst one is when you tell somebody something super emotional about relationships, and they say you should do that on stage. >> or the worst is when someone who's not funny at all, who's boring the hell out of you and telling you a super long story that you just want out of, and they're like, "you can have that one." [ laughter ] like, i'm good. thanks, though. >> seth: if i can have it, can i have a second to go put it in the garbage? [ laughter ] you -- it's your first standup special in four years? >> i know. because i was doing another -- >> seth: i, by the way, held up all five fingers, by the way. [ laughter ] edit out the thumb. >> we need to work on that. >> seth: yeah. >> yes, i haven't done a special in awhile because i was doing something else. but it's so good to be doing standup again. it's like my favorite thing in the world. but, it's taken kind of a toll. like, i had some healthy relationships there for awhile.
now that i'm doing standup again, i am alone. >> seth: now, this is another thing. because, when you're on stage and you're being honest and you're talking to strangers about your personal life, it's weird when people you're close to come. because you're telling strange -- yeah. >> so i was dating someone for like four months while i was working on the special before i shot it. and he wasn't allowed to come to shows. he wasn't allowed see me doing standup. i was like a stripper, like sneaking out at night. like going to do my set, coming home. because i talk about things on stage that i would never tell the person i'm dating. i'll tell a group of random strangers but i'll never tell my boyfriend. it's like, a relationship succeeds with a very delicate blend of lies and omission. >> seth: absolutely, yeah. >> if you come see me perform, it's stuff i would never admit. so he came and saw my special taping, finally. it was like five months. i was like, okay. so i go on stable ground, came and saw the show, broke up two weeks later. >> seth: wow. >> so i'm a martyr. >> seth: i think he's probably going to make the next special. >> i think you're right! i'm like, "bitch, it's on now!" [ laughter ] >> seth: you can definitely come
in four years. >> i know. thank you. i'll take that. but yes. so i feel like i'm sacrificing my personal life to make you jerks laugh. so i hope you enjoy it. >> seth: i enjoy it a great deal. [ cheers and applause ] also, because you talk about relationships -- four years difference, have you noticed any trends? do you have a different take on relationships four years later? >> i do! >> seth: great. >> i feel like my entire paradigm has shifted in the last couple years because i realize that i'm not a catch. i thought i was a catch. well, do you remember there was like a rumor going around for awhile that men like strong women? >> seth: uh-huh, yeah. >> remember that? >> seth: sure, sure. >> people were like, men like strong women! men like women, you know, who have their lives together. who have their own thing going on, who pay their bills. no, they don't. guys do not like strong women. i've seen porn. guys like school girls -- [ laughter ] with gags in their mouths. that's what they like. and you know, like, in porn there's a side bar that tells you the kinds. >> seth: no, i don't. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
a side bar? did you call it a side bar? okay, got you. >> there's like a menu. >> seth: a menu. okay, got you. >> there's a menu. >> seth: it's like a restaurant. >> it's like a -- [ laughs ] there's all this kind of porn. it's always like, girl on girl, college. there's no, like, ceo. >> seth: right. [ laughter ] independent woman. >> no! girl who pays her taxes on time. no one wants to sleep with that girl. so i feel like i am going about this all wrong. >> seth: right. because you are an independent woman. >> well, i fought. i grew up with nothing. i was like, "i've got be able to depend on myself, so i don't need a man." and now no one will have sex with me. >> seth: oh, my goodness. [ light laughter ] i'm so sorry about that. >> yeah. but it's not great. it's not -- i wouldn't date me either. >> seth: so you've noticed some things about yourself? >> it's not great. like, it's bleak. what i realize is that, as soon as i start liking someone, i have this obsessive compulsion to change everything about them. i'm like, "i love you.
now let's get to work." [ laughter ] and then i'll change everything about them. and a year later, i'm like, "you're not the man i fell in love with." [ laughter ] >> seth: that's perfect. my wife was very -- because my wife completely changed me, but she's so smart she made me think i was doing it. >> that's a genius. >> seth: if you want to be a strong woman, you've got to be super duper smart. >> set me up with her because i need some tips. >> seth: she'll help you through it. >> i'm like, this has to go. whole thing's not working for me. >> seth: and then, you feel like you interact with your fans at paramount using social media. >> i try. like, the idea of having fans, that's so weird to me. i am just a road comic in my head. i haven't caught up to all this stuff. but i really try to engage. i think it's important because they're who give us jobs. like you guys are our boss, you know? so i work very hard at trying to communicate with people. and every now and then, if there's tickets left, i'll get people tickets. but there's something that happens with you guys where, as soon as you engage someone who likes you, they lose respect for you.
and they start not liking you anymore. so there's this one guy that e-mailed me. and he was like, "hey, can i please get tickets? i can't afford it, and i'm such a big fan. i'll do anything to come to the show. this probably isn't even whitney. this is probably your assistant." he was like gushing. and i went through my e-mails one day. i was like, you know, i'm going to give him tickets. front row tickets to the show. i e-mailed him back personally, and i was like, "you're in! we're all good!" i'm thinking i'm making this guy's day. i'm like santa claus. 20 minutes before the show he e-mails me back. hey, babe. [ light laughter ] running a little late. where is it again? i'm like, i'm sorry. like 25 minutes ago, weren't you my biggest fan? and then, i'm like, hey! then i'm working for him. and i'm his assistant. i'm like, "hey, it's here." and i'm sending you directions. he's like, "you know what? i don't think i'm going to be able to make it tonight. when are you in town again?" i was like -- >> seth: i wanted to make it, then i found out you were a strong woman who could get me tickets. that's a mistake. that's a mistake. i'm so excited for your new special. whitney cummings, everyone!
>> thank you. >> seth: thank you so much for being here. [ cheers and applause ] watch her special, "i love you," saturday june 28th on comedy central. we'll be right back with music from tove lo. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ my family likes camping... ...i like dancing. so when we packed up our rav4, i brought this. ♪ turns out my family likes dancing too. the rav4 toyota. let's go places. sfx: car unlock beep. vo: david's heart attack didn't come with a warning. today his doctor has him on a bayer aspirin regimen to help reduce the risk of another one. if you've had a heart attack be sure to talk to your doctor
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i'll have my usual ultimate cheeseburger. you can have that. or-two new versions of the ultimate cheeseburger. one has sliced jalapeños and creamy ranch sauce, the other has sweet and tangy barbecue sauce and grilled onions, plus double meat and cheese like the original. new versions...? two new versions! now, this was just a training video, but these twists on my ultimate cheeseburger will blow people's minds. is that guy ok?
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my next guest is a swedish pop singer who was recently named a vh1 "you ought to know" artist and is making her television debut with us tonight. performing "habits, stay high," please welcome tove lo! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i eat my dinner in my bathtub then i go to sex clubs ♪ ♪ watching freaky people gettin' it on ♪ ♪ it doesn't make me nervous if anything i'm restless yeah i've been around and i've seen it all ♪
♪ i get home i got the munchies binge on all my twinkies ♪ ♪ throw up in the tub then i go to sleep ♪ ♪ and i drank up all my money tasted kinda lonely ♪ ♪ you're gone and i gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind ♪ ♪ ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ high all the time to keep you off my mind ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ spend my days locked in a haze trying to forget you, babe i fall back down ♪ ♪ i gotta stay high all my life to forget i'm missing you ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ pick up daddies at the playground how i spend my daytime ♪ ♪ loosen up the frown
make them feel alive i'll make it fast and greasy i'm on my way too easy ♪ ♪ you're gone and i gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind ♪ ♪ ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ high all the time to keep you off my mind ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ spend my days locked in a haze trying to forget you, babe i fall back down ♪ ♪ i gotta stay high all my life to forget i'm missing you ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ staying in my play pretend where the fun ain't got no end ♪ ♪ oh, can't go home alone again need someone to numb the pain ♪
♪ oh, staying in my play pretend where the fun ain't got no end ♪ ♪ can't go home alone again need someone to numb the pain ♪ ♪ you're gone and i gotta stay high all the time to keep you off my mind ♪ ♪ ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ high to keep you off my mind ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪ ♪ spend my days locked in a haze trying to forget you, babe i fall back down ♪ ♪ gotta stay high all my life to forget i'm missing you ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
♪ ♪ for our music, night terrors of 1927, that's the name of the band. and they're going to make their t.v. debut this evening. but right now it's all about the "last call spotlight." marc levin and mark benjamin are the filmmakers behind the award-winning doc- series "brick city." they followed it up with another highly anticipated series, this one is set in the epicenter of the american heartland. this is "chicagoland." >> when mark and i met with the mayor, basically says, you know, "you're all vultures. you're all just out to tear people down." and we challenged him and said, "that's not us.